Mother’s Day reflection: the journey so far
It is the day after Mother’s Day 2017 and I’m reflecting back over the last decade of motherhood. It has been an interesting journey with many ups and many downs. I have bounced back and forth between amazing mom and hot mess mom, I’ll admit, always striving to be a better mother but just trying to get through the day at times.
You were the one who made me a mom. I was 21 years old, subletting in a tiny bungalow in Venice Beach, when I found out I was nearly 6 months pregnant with you. It was shocking when my belly suddenly popped and I finally understood why I had been so darn tired all the time. Your dad and I walked the beach to the UCLA Medical Center and our lives were forever changed that night.
For the better. More than we ever imagined.
Having a baby was not on my radar and I was (I thought) not ready. God thought differently and not only gave me you, but gave me no chance to even think about it. Within just 3 months, you arrived and it was go time. I was a natural mother and you made it easy. Thank you for making me grow up.
Now at 10, I see so much of myself in you but I also see attributes I don’t have and admire you for them. You are unbelievably confident. You are social and easy to talk to. You are determined and brave. You are thoughtful and generous. You are smart (when you pay attention).
You are a good person.
You are also beautiful beyond words.
Each year that goes by, you help me to be a better mom. Because of you, I will be a better mom to your brother and that is a special gift you give to him. You have changed me in countless ways, making me more patient, loving and grounded, but you have also helped me look inward so that I can improve myself for you.
My first thought of you was as a sibling for Savannah. I always knew that I wanted to give Savannah a sibling- that one other person who will always be there for her, past me, past dad, to the end of her time. You are here to protect her, love her and support her always.
My second thought of you was as the love of my life. The bond we formed before I even saw your face was intense and eternal. For 6 months, I stayed lying down for you. I watched my muscles disappear and depression set in, but I would do anything to keep you safe. I lived in fear that I would miscarry you and never meet you here on Earth until one day when I gave up control, took all of my fear and gave it to God. You taught me that motherhood is not bound to our bodies. Motherhood is eternal and from conception, you were already mine forever, no matter what happened.
You gave me the first true peace I had ever known and it changed me.
Your birth did not come without surprise. When you arrived, I could tell by the looks on the faces of the nurses something was wrong. It struck a panic in me like I had never felt before. They said nothing but handed me you and I saw for myself. You had a cleft lip. The emotions that flew through me all at once were indescribable. I was flooded with intense love and joy but also fear and confusion. What would come next? How would this affect your life?
In an instant, I felt myself change as a mother. I knew nothing mattered except for our love. We would get through it all together and everything would be fine. You braved through multiple surgeries and now we push through your speech difficulties.
I am so proud of you.
Thank you for teaching me not to compare, which is very hard for mothers. Because of you, I am a better mom, a more relaxed, positive and happy mom. You’re 4 and you still cannot say your own name. That’s very difficult for you when meeting new kids. I know you feel dumb and frustrated every time. But, you can say a lot of other words, phrases, even sentences now and learn more every day. You are a warrior. You are confident. You are courageous and (too) brave. You are empathetic and caring.
You love so good.
There is no comparison to motherhood. It is an incredible gift to be someone’s mother, a gift I appreciate more every day. I have learned so many things about myself, both good and bad, because of my kids and my desire to be a better mom. With my kids so young, I know that my journey has only just begun. I look forward to seeing them both grow into who they are destined to be and I also look forward to seeing who I am destined to be as well.
Thank you Savannah and Gabriel for helping me to realize just who I am destined to be.
I celebrated Mother’s Day this year at home, with the two beautiful creatures who made me a mom. They are my happy place and my source of peace, so my day is always better when spent with them. My day is also better with Wente Wine, which I always have in my wine cooler.
Not all of the journey is easy. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be much of a journey. It is the tough stuff that we learn and grow from and that makes the tough stuff most important. On particularly tough days, I uncork.
I also uncork to celebrate. Wente Wine Morning Fog Chardonnay is one of my favorite chardonnays to keep stocked because most people really love this wine. It tastes wonderful during the day (makes a great spritzer) and also pairs so well with dinner. It is very versatile- fresh and crisp.
Looking for a reason to uncork? National Chardonnay Day is on Thursday, May 25th! How’s that for a reason? This is the perfect time to go buy a bottle of Wente Chardonnay. Toast the ones you love the most!
who has had the greatest impact on your life?